What are you doing for the next 18 years?

I went to court this morning to discuss a parenting time issue that had cropped up between two parties a good four or five years after their divorce had become final. Mind you, I was not the attorney for either at the time of the final decree, nor had I been there at all during the divorce. I was pressed into service to rescue the Mother from losing any and all contact with her children. The father had been pulling shenanigans over the years and was threatening to erode the Mom’s parenting time entirely if not checked at some point. We met with some success today and will continue to put things right as time passes, but the fight promises to be nasty and long winded.

The Mother thanked me and told me she was sure she would lose her kids forever had I not stepped in. She also hoped I had the longevity to last in the fight. I promised her I was in this for the long haul and would be there until her youngest child was 18, some ten years down the road. The look in her eyes at that point told me a lot. She hadn’t considered the length of the fight ahead of her. When she and her husband married years ago, they promised to have and to hold, until death. I doubt they thought it would be a fight to the death, but, you never know.

This is something you have to consider when you get married and have kids: Is this person someone you want to fight with for the next 18 years? As a parent, you have to be aware that your former spouse will be a fixture in your life until your youngest child hits college, or beyond. I know it is a daunting thought, but the fact remains that if you thought the divorce was a fight, you can probably look forward to more of a fight as the years tear on.

Other clients have told me that their soon-to-be ex-spouse was a mean vindictive person, but they never thought they would turn on them. I can’t imagine why? If the spouse was a nasty so-and-so in his or her dealings with everyone else in life, why wouldn’t they be a butt-head in your divorce? Leopards don’t often change their spots. If the spouse was a money grabbing pig during the marriage, he or she will likely live in a state of tardiness when it comes to child support or alimony. And yes, it will last until your youngest child turns 18.

I know - Hope springs eternal, everyone thinks their marriage will last a lifetime. Some do, and that is great. I love it when a client is able to patch things up with their mate and stay married. But I am never surprised when they come back a few months later explaining how they were foolish to have ever gone back. I guess the take-away here is, if anything, the person you married will be the person you divorce. And the type person they are when they were with you -- kind, sweet, mean, rotten, whatever -- will be the type of person you square off against when you go to court. And sometimes, especially when there are kids involved, the court fights are there for years to come.

Watching the Money Today Can Protect Your Tomorrows.

When everything is said and done, divorce comes down to simple math: How do you divide the assets and liabilities. Sad, its true. Divorce often takes an emotional toll on everyone involved. Both husband and wife suffer, along with the kids, grandparents and everyone else. I often find myself a little worse for wear in tough divorce matters, and I’m just the lawyer.

One thing I see a lot is the division of power in divorce cases. One party seems to understand what is going on, and the other is just completely baffled. This party wants to try to put things right in their marriage and refuses to see the reality of what is going on. And the reality simply is, the other party is slowly, but certainly depleting the marital assets. Hiding money, raiding 401(k)s, whatever.
I know, the courts will order both parties to not do this, but it does happen, and often right under the noses of the court. The reality is that the only thing you can do when you suspect your spouse is doing this is let your lawyer know what is going on and then take immediate steps to prove it. I have had a few clients call me up and tell me that their spouse was draining money out of the retirement plan and I needed to get the court to find them in contempt to make them stop and account for that money. I ask the client what proof they have and they tell me that they can see it in that turkey’s eyes. Then they get upset when I tell them that the judge will probably want more evidence than that to issue a contempt citation.
There are things you can do to keep an eye on everything that is going on. Look at the books. I don’t care if you are the husband or wife, the breadwinner or the stay-at-home parent. Keep an eye on the money. One, it is half yours and two, the cold, hard reality of it is, if you don’t watch the cash flow in your marriage, the cash may flow right out the door, leaving you with nothing.

Looking for the Money Now Saves Money Later

Keep copies of bank statements, brokerage accounts, tax returns, everything financial separate from the books your spouse has access to. Keep statements showing patterns of money flow and where the money is at any given time. Large shifts in balances might be innocent enough. But, it might be the first step in your spouse playing Houdini with your retirement account. Keep a slush fund available that the other party can’t get to so that if all else fails, you can still eat and pay bills. Keep a list of account numbers and other important data handy.
You might also run a credit report every now and then, not just on yourself, but your spouse as well. See what is going on that you might not know about. Look at new accounts that have been opened that are a surprise, and just keep a close watch on the money. If your spouse isn’t up to anything, they should not mind coming clean with you.
And you shouldn’t wait until you think something is wrong in your marriage to start scanning the horizon for trouble. Every marriage starts out happy. Trouble brews over time. Looking for trouble now might save you heartache later.

If you need advice on divorce or bankruptcy matters, please consider giving me a call. 615-916-1600.